I sat for days thinking of what I should write. Frivolous and intelligent thoughts kept oscillating in my “gemini” head. I read many blogs written by prolific and evolved personalities. And so, after suffering a persecution complex and a feeling of insecurity, I decided to be myself, which most of us in the film fraternity very rarely do.
Over the years I’ve surfed the net to read about how people perceive me. What they think of me as a filmmaker, a chat show host, or just as a human being. Initially what I read might have driven me to the closest therapist, and Prozac might’ve been my soul mate. But a good mother can always bring you back on track. I read bloggers attack my “bubble gum cinema”. I strolled into chat rooms discussing my sexuality. I read about my alleged link ups with leading mainstream actors. So should I have felt like a controversial celebrity? Or just plain and simple, sad? The latter has so much more drama. But fortunately, I settled for old-fashioned indifference.
It’s important to be honest. Yes, it’s important, but certainly not possible. So most of us in the film fraternity (notice how I use that word a lot?) have mastered the art of “dishonest honesty.” What is that? It’s the art of concealing the truth and yet coming across frank and forthright. It’s a gift we all have. But just like classical singing, it takes many years till you hit the high notes. My endeavor on this platform is to be a little less “dishonest honest”. I’m going to try. I promise.
So let me start by saying, I am star struck, and have always been. I love, adore, and am obsessed by film stars. I like to befriend them, I enjoy meeting them, I love having them in my inbox, and more importantly, I’m constantly trying to add to my collection. There, I said it. For many years, I had a desire to be popular. It’s like I wanted to win every congeniality contest in the world. It made me artificial. I didn’t quite like that about myself but I also didn’t know how to get out of that zone. I used to gush about women in terrifying clothes. Appreciate god awful celluloid performances. Hug and kiss people I wanted to send to jail and even applaud films that should never have been released. I had become the Godzilla of fake.
I lost my father. June 26th, 2004.
My perspective on life and relationships changed overnight. Death has a tendency of bringing you back to life. My new headspace at that point of time led to me making my infidelity saga, “Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna”. There was good news and bad news at that end. The good news was a bolder, newer, directorial, ME. The bad news was the old hangover that still made its way into the film; opulence, star image maintenance, and item song were some of the features of the film that I don’t really place on my pride mantle. Honestly, I don’t really have a film I want to scream and shout about. But then again, I never claimed to be a path-breaking cinematic genius. I was always an eager cinegoer who turned into an eager to please filmmaker.
Today I want intellectual acceptance. I want critical acclaim. I want blog praise, and I want festival applause. Don’t get me wrong, I still want the box office. Am I asking for too much? Of course I am. But I believe the universe, apparently, can be asked for the impossible. It’s no secret. I’m doing just that, everyday.
So, welcome to my bloggers park. I hope you find yourself a bench.
Love and koffee,
Karan.
p.s. my film is finally titled, “My Name is Khan” (alvida, “K’) and it stars Shah Rukh Khan and Kajol. This is my first official announcement.